Dude

[Intro – Fingerpicked acoustic guitar, soft campfire crackle] My gut said, “Dude.” I said, “That’s rude.” My gut said, “Run.” I said, “She seems fun.” [Verse 1] She walked in wearing something black With ancient symbols down her back She knew my birthday, middle name And every person I could blame She said, “Come closer, don’t be scared” My common sense was unprepared My intuition rang the bell I put my intuition on “Do Not Disturb” as well [Chorus] My intuition’s always right It just has terrible timing It screams at me all through the night While I’m actively declining Every warning, every clue Every deeply cursed tattoo My gut said, “Man, she’s feeding off of you” I said, “Nobody’s perfect.” [Verse 2] She never ate, she never slept She watched me breathe and softly wept She called my soul “a little snack” I thought, “At least she likes me back” The candles floated off the shelf She spoke in tongues about herself A goat appeared inside the room I blamed the landlord and the lack of ventilation [Chorus] My intuition’s always right But I keep trying to debate it Like, “Could this demon be polite?” My gut said, “You will be sedated.” Every omen, every sign Every hoofprint next to mine My gut said, “Sir, her spine just bent in nine.” I said, “She’s flexible.” [Bridge – Gentle strumming, warm group harmonies] Some people learn from consequence Some people learn from pain Some people see the thunderclouds And simply leave the rain I see a woman levitate Her eyes become a void And think, “Perhaps she’s complicated— Maybe I should fill the void.” [Spoken – Guitar continues casually] And that is how you get bean-dipped by a succubus. Not literally bean-dipped. Spiritually bean-dipped. Although there were beans. She made a seven-layer dip. The seventh layer was betrayal. [Verse 3] I woke up cold upon the floor My confidence was out the door My wallet, keys, and soul were gone She left a note that just said, “Thanks, moron” My intuition sat nearby With tiny glasses and a tie It opened up a legal pad And read the forty-seven warnings that I’d had [Final Chorus] My intuition’s always right And now I’m finally listening Unless the red flags look exciting Or the danger starts glistening So learn from me, protect your soul Don’t let desire take control When your gut says, “That thing has no pulse” Don’t say, “Maybe that’s her culture.” [Outro – Return to fingerpicked guitar] My gut said, “Dude.” I said, “I know.” My gut said, “Good.” Then the fire said, “Bro…” [Brief pause] The fire was also haunted.