BEACHFRONT PROPERTY

[Chorus] I locked in the mortgage at two point five, It's never been better to feel so alive! The market's looking bullish as my dividends climb, Just thanking the Lord for a healthy economy! A self made man with a little autonomy. If the ocean comes up in the next couple years... It's looking like we're getting beachfront property. [Verse 1] Good morning everybody! It's seven thirty, bright and early and I'm in quite the hurry. Brush my teeth, they're nice and white and pearly. Plastic caps in back for cheap cuz my dentist golfs with my attorney. I'm going to the hardware store, walking through the sliding door, looking for a two by four to fix my custom hardwood floor. Asking for mahogany, the youngin's looking groggily, The service feels like comedy, just blaming the economy! Decided that I'd go and find it myself, Screaming at a kid to get it down from the shelf! Tried to reach the lumber showing off my rugged style... Blew my fucking hip replacement out across the aisle! [Chorus] I locked in the mortgage at two point five, The wife's out of town and I'm feeling alive! My back and my knees are still pretty alright, Just thanking the Lord for the state of our democracy A self made man with a little autonomy. If the ocean comes up in the next couple years... It's looking like we're getting beachfront property. [Verse 2] Doctors office, walked in topless, love to see those massive profits, kids today they got no logic! .. God it's awful. Whipping out the Medicare, it covers all my wear and tear, acting like a billionaire, collect my free healthcare! You kids are over complicating what is on the plate, A steady diet of bologna made the country great! Asbestos and lead paint with no complaints But breathing in a little smog is making you faint? There's nothing more rewarding than the citizen's dime, But student loan forgiveness is a literal crime! We stormed the beaches and survived the seventies! So why doesn't anybody think about the elderly?! [Chorus] The stocks are all surging every time that I buy It's never been better to feel so alive! I golf every Tuesday with my buddies at nine, Retirement's looking like the prime of my life! A self made man with a little autonomy. If the ocean comes up in the next couple years... It's looking like we're getting beachfront property. [Verse 3] I'm staring at the driveway on a quiet afternoon, My daughter hasn't visited in over seven years. She sent a text about her boundaries and her "mental health," And how I never validated any of her tears. I sat there in the silence and I really thought it through. I took a long, hard look inside and criticized myself. I finally found the root of her emotional distress: I let her keep a runner up ribbon on her bedroom shelf. Ahhhh. Smell that? Walking out of Sunday mass, stepping on Bermuda grass, paying for expensive gas, laughing at the working class! Praising the Almighty Lord, cut off welfare support, looking at my Facebook board, thanking Jesus I'm adored! And don't you ever say that we ain't generous... Bought a transient a bus ticket, sent em to Los Angeles! A kid was holding up a sign complaining 'bout the coast, Whining that the housing market’s risen more than most! I told him, "Pull your bootstraps up! You haven't broke a sweat! (Get a job!) Nobody wants to work these days, you're drowning in your debt! You swallow liberal propaganda till you overdose. While eating your down payment on some avocado toast! [Bridge] Checking the Zillow, I'm fluffing my pillow, I'm smoking a brisket outside of the villa! The weather is shifting, the continent's drifting, but look my property values are lifting! I'm calling the city to block the new zoning, I'm sick of the traffic and all of the groaning. They say that the sea level's starting to peak, but I'm putting the house on the market next week! [Chorus] I locked in the mortgage at two point five, It's never been better to feel so alive! The planet is burning but I'm doing just fine, I'm drinking the last of the water like wine! A self made man with a little autonomy... If the ocean comes up in the next couple years... It's looking like we're getting beachfront property! [Outro] "Hello? Yeah, Vanguard? BlackRock? How are you boys? Listen, Jim, great round of golf last week. Anyway, I saw the offer on the house. Three million over asking? Cash? Yeah, I'll take it. What's that? You're gonna bulldoze it and build luxury rentals? (Laughs obnoxiously) Charge 'em four grand a month for a studio! It'll build character! They need to learn the value of a dollar anyway. Pleasure doing business.