Lyrics
[Start] [Intro – Spoken / Museum Audio Guide, Glitchy Funk] Attention All Men, well straight men, Well, not ALL, but you guys know who you are. Women in my life have informed me of a recurring phenomenon. Unsolicited photographs. Of gentlemen's...uh... equipment. For YEARS. And I have questions. Primarily: WHERE IS THE SET DESIGN?! [Beat Drops] [Verse 1] My friends say their inbox is a biological quiz Strangers dropping close-ups like “Surprise! Here it is!” No hello, no warning, no sense of occasion Just an anatomical jump-scare invasion Sir, that's not flirting, that's a file attachment No narrative arc, no emotional investment You got megapixels and worldwide transmission And chose “unlit bathroom” as your composition? I'm a nerd, I like lore, I like miniature towns Little plastic dinosaurs stomping around You got infinite tools, every craft store alive And your whole art direction is “Behold, I'm a guy!” I'm begging the fellas, develop a theme Put the camera down, have an actual dream And if nobody asked? That's a critical fact Don't make anybody open up THAT! [Pre-Chorus] If you're building a scene At least give it some stakes Put a plot in the box For humanity's sake! [Chorus] Guyoramas! Guyoramas! You sent a close-up, where's the drama? Tiny trees, a parking lot Give that little scene a plot! Guyoramas! Guyoramas! Cardboard worlds and panoramas No invitation? No exhibition! Close that box, end transmission! [Verse 2] Get a shoebox, matchbox, whatever's in scale We're not grading dimensions, we're grading the tale Cut a little viewing hole, construct your stage Give the ladies something more than a biological page Build a tiny train station, a miniature pier Little sign says “Welcome,” little people look scared Add a mountain, a castle, a dragon, a moat Give the main attraction a tiny lab coat! Maybe it's a spaceport, red alert on the bridge An astronaut stranded by a cardboard fridge Show a little personality, a hobby, a skill Mini-golf tournament on a windowsill Into D&D? Get some twenty-sided dice Make a dungeon with a plot twist, terrain looking nice Use perspective, use lighting, let the scenery breathe Stop acting like a flash is all the magic you need! [Chorus] Guyoramas! Guyoramas! You sent a close-up, where's the drama? Tiny trees, a parking lot Give that little scene a plot! Guyoramas! Guyoramas! Cardboard worlds and panoramas No invitation? No exhibition! Close that box, end transmission! [Break – Spoken / School Project Presentation] Exhibit A: “Lone Ranger at the Miniature Rodeo.” Exhibit B: “Unexpected Visitor to Jurassic Cardboard Park.” Exhibit C: “Greg.” Just Greg. On a bath towel. [pause] Greg. We have discussed this. [Verse 3] I pitched my whole proposal With a laser pointer, proud Like “Finally, a solution To the unsolicited crowd!” The women looked bewildered One said, “Buddy, that's adorable But the actual problem Isn't insufficient visuals!” Oh. Right. See, a photograph ain't personality or charm And a shoebox doesn't neutralize alarm You can build a little village, put a train on a track But you can't dress up disrespect and call it class [Bridge – Sincere / Sudden Realization] Wait a moment... I built a whole museum Before I noticed the door Nobody owes you entry Or an encore A scene can show your humor A craft can show your care But it don't become a gift If they never asked to share There's a person on that phone Not a blank review form And respect looks good In absolutely any art form [Final Chorus – Big Nerdcore Chant] Guyoramas! Guyoramas! Give the weirdness actual drama! Build a moon base, paint a sky Tell a story, little guy! Guyoramas! Guyoramas! Cardboard worlds and panoramas If she asked? Congratulations! No invitation? No exhibition! [Outro – Spoken / Museum Closing Bell] Final assessment: Creativity: encouraged. Craftsmanship: optional. Consent: mandatory. [pause] And Greg... Take the towel down, Clean that mirror PLEASE, and maybe go touch some grass. NerdButter out. [End]