Lyrics
[Intro] [Verse 1] So, you woke up this morning feeling kinda stiff (uh-huh) Reached down to tie your shoes and heard a little riff That was your vertebrae compressing like a tin can Doctor said "You're forty-six, but you move like an old man" Got that bone density tanking like your credit score Calcium deficient, your spine's Swiss cheese, a porous whore You sneezed too hard, cracked a rib, had to take a knee (This could've been avoided if you took your vitamin D!) But nah, you skipped the dairy, thought you'd be alright And today your skeleton's as brittle as a Dorito bite Your femurs looking hollow like the beer cans you drained And every time you cough your spine gets rearranged You bending over sideways like a human parenthesis Your posture's so crooked the chiropractor refused your business Got compression fractures stacking in your lumbar spine But you still binge-watching Netflix twelve hours at a time. [Chorus 1] Yo, your bones need calcium (calcium!) Yo, your bones need exercise (get it right!) Don't wait until they're crumbling (crumbling!) Don't let osteoporosis ruin your life! [Break] [Verse 2] Fast-forward five years, you're shaped like a question mark Kyphosis got you hunched, need a brace from Shark Tank (Posture Now!) You lost three inches off your height, pants don't fit no more Dowager's hump so prominent, you shop at the camel store You fractured your wrist putting on a cardigan sweater (soft fabric!) Your T-score came back and the doctor said "you better Get your affairs in order, 'cause your bones are made of chalk" You tried to walk away but your hip broke during the walk (This could've been avoided with some weight-bearing exercises!) But nah, you binge-watching trash every single night Your pelvis cracked in half, now nothing's working right Can't have sex no more, your pubic bone's all fucked up Your bones so weak, can't even lift a cup You reached for Metamucil, broke your radius bone Can't even jerk off properly, left crying all alone [Chorus 2] Yo, your bones need calcium (need it bad!) Yo, your bones need exercise (every friggin' day!) Don't wait until they're crumbling (too late!) Don't let osteoporosis ruin your life [Post-chorus] You should've drunk your milk (should've!) You should've lifted weights (should've!) But when you're twisted like a pretzel It's too late to change your fate [Break] [Verse 3] Year ten, you're in the hospital, full skeletal collapse You sneezed one morning, broke your jaw, now you eating through a gap Compression fractures stacked up in a game of spinal Tetris Doctors looking at your X-rays like "Yo, how is he not dead yet, Chris?" Your ribs are crumpled cardboard, folded inward on your lungs Can't speak, communicate by clicking with your tongue Your spine curved so far forward that your head's between your knees (This could've been avoided if you'd quit smoking ciggies!) (...And got your screenings!) But nah, you puffed them Newports, thought you looked so fucking cool Now your clavicle's in pieces and you drooling like a fool You tried to hug your wife goodbye, shattered both your shoulder blades She started crying, you collapsed, they loaded you into the body bag Wait--you're still alive! (Barely!) But can't even lift your head Your bones so weak they crumbling while you lie in bed The doctor pulled your chart and said "There's nothing we can do-- Your calcium's non-existent and your marrow's beef stew" Your femoral neck just snapped while laying flat in bed Nurse walked past your room too fast--the breeze fractured your head [Bridge] Now you're dead (you're dead!) Your bones turned to dust (to dust!) You should've listened when they said (they said!) "Get more calcium or bust" (or bust!) You coulda had some yogurt (yogurt!) You coulda done some squats (some squats!) But you ignored the warnings (warnings!) Now you chillin' with 2Pac (hey Pac!) Your funeral was closed-casket 'cause you crumbled in the hearse Your skeleton so fragile that they swept you with a Swiffer first Your kids tried to spread your ashes but they clumped up in the urn At least your death gives us a reason to adjourn [Break] [Final chorus] Yo, your bones need calcium (listen up!) Yo, your bones need exercise (right now!) Don't wait until they're crumbling (please don't!) Don't let osteoporosis ruin your life (take your life!) [Outro] Get screened! (Get screened!) Take supplements! (Every day!) Lift weights! (Lift weights!) Don't delay!