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I'd like to thank the academy Of my own spectacular misjudgment For this lifetime achievement In saying precisely the wrong thing At maximum volume To the worst possible person At the worst possible time I trained at the finest institutions Of "probably fine" and "what's the worst" Graduated with distinction In cutting my own brake lines Metaphorically Which is the only kind of cutting I do Because I'm also terrible with tools Every morning I wake And promise the ceiling Today will be different And every morning The ceiling does not believe me The ceiling is correct Call me what you want I've been called worse by people I respect I am the captain of a vessel I steered directly into a lighthouse Not on purpose Not on instinct Just on Just perpetually on I'm a fuckwit, baby And I'm working on it But not very hard Not today I once told a widow at her husband's viewing That he looked "surprisingly good" Which he did He looked better than he had in years That's what death does I suppose I did not say that part I said the other part The much worse part I have a condition Where my mouth opens Before my brain finishes booting up It's not in any manual But it should be Every evening I take inventory Of the carnage And promise the ceiling Tomorrow The ceiling has stopped listening Call me what you want I've been called worse by better I am the pilot who flew through a volcano To check if it was "actually hot" It was I'm a fuckwit, baby And I'm working on it On every day that ends in Y Which is all of them Here's what nobody puts in the brochure About having a pulse You will with absolute certainty Do the exact same foolish thing Fourteen separate times And on the fifteenth You'll do it again But faster And call it growth Your therapist will sigh Your friends will stop returning texts Your dog will look at you differently And you will think Next time will be different For the record I am aware That awareness is not the same as change I took a whole course on it I showed up late And forgot my notebook So call me what you want I've earned every syllable I am a walking cautionary tale That nobody requested But everybody receives I'm a fuckwit, baby And I'm not working on it Not honestly Not today But tomorrow Tomorrow I'll be Marginally less Of a catastrophe ...Probably