Smile While the Violins Decay

[INTRO — absurd vocal collage, cassette instructor, whispers, office percussion] [Female Instructor, overly cheerful] “Ba-da-bing… ba-da-bong… please repeat after the tone.” [DING!] [Male Student, timid] “Bada… bing?” [WRONG-ANSWER BUZZER] [Female Whisper, left ear] Shoo-ba-li… shoo-ba-loo… Your stapler knows what you do. [Low Opera Choir] Ooooooh—MAH-RAH-RAH-RAH— [High Cartoon Falsetto] BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! I married a receipt! [Dead silence] [VERSE 1 — tight, dry, rhythmic] Bim-bam biscuit in a business suit, Zip-zap pigeon with a parachute, Tick-tock toaster says “salut, salut,” Flip-flop moon in a swimming boot. [PRE-CHORUS — longer lines, building, female instructor + nervous male echoes] [Female Instructor, bright] If the little red button starts laughing, please remain calm and pronounce “banana” backwards with confidence— [Male Student, panicking underneath] Na-ba-na… ba-na-na… no-no-no— [CHORUS — high energy, absurd hook, ad-trio harmonies] Babba-loo, babba-lay, My briefcase ran away, Ding-da-dong, ding-da-day, The ceiling wants my pay, Shoo-be-doo, doom-ba-DAY— Smile while the violins decay! [OPERATIC STAB] AAAAAAAH! [DING!] [VERSE 2 — bouncy, escalating nonsense] A fax machine became my aunt, A tiny horse lives in my plant, My coffee filed a noise complaint, The printer whispered, “I’m a saint,” Then coughed confetti on my pants. [PRE-CHORUS — same motif, increasingly unstable] [Female Instructor, still smiling] When the choir appears beneath your desk, simply stamp Form Forty-Four and avoid direct eye contact with Tuesday— [Male Student, whispering] Tuesday sees me… Tuesday sees me… [CHORUS — bigger, choir interruptions] Babba-loo, babba-lay, My briefcase ran away, Ding-da-dong, ding-da-day, The ceiling wants my pay, Shoo-be-doo, doom-ba-DAY— Smile while the violins decay! [Female Whisper] They’re tuning up behind the wall. [EXTENDED CHORUS — escalating, layered singers, melodic nonsense, SFX orchestra] [Advertising Trio, too cheerful] Babba-loo! Babba-lay! Everything is A-OKAY! [Low Male Choir] DOM-MA-NOOM… DOM-MA-NOOM… [Female Soprano, terrifying sustained note] AAAAAA—EEEEE—AAAAAH! [Instructor, interrupting] “Excellent pronunciation.” [DING!] [Full Ensemble] Bim-ba-bim, boomba-ray, The photocopier learned ballet, Chikka-ching, chikka-chay, My password joined the cabaret, Loopa-lum, looma-lay, The fire alarm says “bon appétit,” Ratta-tat, stamp-and-sway, My lunchbox wants democracy, Babba-loo, babba-LORD— There’s a tiny opera in the extension cord! [Sound-Effect Symphony] [STAMP! STAMP!] [BEEP-BEEP-BEEP] [SUGAR PACKET RIP] [PHONE RING] [CHOIR HIT] [PRINTER WHIRR rising into violin glissando] [CROWD ROAR — CUT DEAD] [Female Whisper, almost laughing] Shoo-ba-li… Shoo-ba-loo… The spreadsheet is dreaming of you. [Male Student, suddenly confident] The spreadsheet is dreaming of ME! [Huge Orchestral Crescendo] [OUTRO — symphonic absurd horror, four catchy lines] [Full Opera Choir + cheerful trio] Ding-dong, doom-da-dee— There’s a manager inside the TV, Bim-bam, la-la-LEE— Please hold while we scream in key. [Final Soprano Shriek] AAAAAAAH— [DING!] [Cheap Bossa Nova resumes for two seconds] [Female Instructor] “Very good.”