Pseudologia Fantastica Smug Tony (Fire Cut)

[Start] [Intro – Ragtime Piano Prance / Brass Wink] Ladies, liars, jurors, snacks... Let us begin with truth. Mine. The only brand with sufficient tailoring. [pause] I never lie. I cannot lie. By definition. [Beat Kicks In] [Verse 1] I told a banker I was born in a fireproof egg With a ruby in my mouth and a diamond in my leg Told a countess I invented night So ugly men could flirt in forgiving light I told the Pope I taught the devil dice Told the devil, “Baby, don’t ask twice” Told a judge my shadow did the crime And my shadow got acquitted by supper time Now you say, “Tony, that sounds untrue” I say, “Careful, garnish, I’m diagnosing you” See, if I believe it when it leaves my face Then truth got nervous and misplaced its case [Pre-Chorus] I don’t lie I merely upgrade Reality arrived Underpaid and poorly made [Chorus] Pseudologia Fantastica That’s Latin for “I’m fine” I believe every word I say So the fault is yours, not mine Pseudologia Fantastica Put respect on the disease If my mouth builds a palace Then the facts should pay the lease I don’t lie I don’t fib I don’t cheat the little truth I provide deluxe alternatives With uncomfortable proof [Verse 2] This is not Factitious Disorder Do not write that in your folder I am not inventing sickness I am sick of being colder No, doctor, no clipboard No tidy little box I don’t fake a fever I make fever wear socks I suffer rare and grandly From a burden most refined A tragic surplus sparkle In the courthouse of my mind My statements bloom excessive My memories arrive in hats My childhood keeps expanding And my alibis all have cats [Pre-Chorus 2] Intent? Yes, gorgeous Pathology? Dressed clean Confabulation? Baby, please That’s my limousine [Chorus] Pseudologia Fantastica That’s Latin for “I’m fine” I believe every word I say So the fault is yours, never mine Pseudologia Fantastica Put respect on the disease If my mouth builds a palace Then the facts should pay the lease I don’t lie I don’t fib I don’t cheat the little truth I provide deluxe alternatives With uncomfortable proof [Break – Piano Roll / Call-and-Response] Did Tony steal the moon? (I recall it!) Did Tony win the war? (Which one?) Was Tony once a duke? (At least twice!) Did Tony kick down heaven’s door? (With one shoe!) Did Tony lie? (Never!) Could Tony lie? (No!) What do we call the evidence? (Too slow!) [Verse 3] Pathological Intentional Confabulations That’s the velvet name for my complications I mean what I say when I say what I mean And the meaning gets drunk in a brass machine I recall events that have not occurred With emotional depth and a legal word I remember tomorrow with yesterday’s wine Then swear on a piano that the timeline’s mine You bring receipts? How deeply provincial I bring flair, motive, and a witness fictional You bring facts? Those brittle little snacks? I feed them to the band and don’t ask for them back Now here is the theorem, polished and fat A lie needs knowledge that a lie is that But I believe my thunder when I make it fly So by definition, baby... [pause] not a lie. [Bridge – Beat Pulls Back / Smug Spoken-Rap] Understand me. I am not dishonest. I am narratively overqualified. The truth approaches me in a cheap little coat, shivering, asking for direction. Naturally, I improve it. Is that fraud? No. That is kindness... hospitality with better lighting, no? [Final Chorus] Pseudologia Fantastica That’s Latin for “I’m fine” I believe every word I say So the fault is yours, not mine Pseudologia Fantastica Clap soft, the burden’s severe My mouth made history nervous And then history volunteered here I don’t lie I don’t fib I don’t cheat the little truth I provide deluxe alternatives With uncomfortable proof Pseudologia Fantastica Hear the brass band testify If I believe it while I’m saying it Then baby... it's not a lie [Outro – Spoken / Piano Stumble] So the next time you accuse me of dishonesty... Remember. I suffer beautifully. [pause] Now pay the witness. He isn’t real, but he came all this way. [End]