I Married a Rotisserie Chicken

I ain't proud... but I am legally bound. Met him under fluorescent lighting at the back of aisle nine, spinning slow like he was flirting honey, that bird was lookin' fine. Golden skin, smell of magic, that seasoned southern charm... I said, "sir, I'm a grown adult," but he fell into my arms. I didn't mean to catch feelings, it started as a joke... but one bite turned into true love and my common sense went up in smoke. I married a rotisserie chicken, right there by the deli case, my mama screamed, my cousin fainted, my therapist left without a trace. He's tender, he's warm, he's dependable, he's got that savory conviction- I don't need a man, I need a plan... and a legally binding chicken. We registered at Costco, got a gravy boat and plates, matching aprons that say "SOULMATES" and "HOT & READY" in all caps. He don't talk back, he don't cheat, he don't ghost me on my phone just spins in gentle silence like, "babe... we're building a home." Some folks said I lost my mind, said "girl, get help, get free" I said "mind your business, Susan, this bird believes in me." I married a rotisserie chicken, right there by the deli case, my mama screamed, my cousin fainted, my therapist left without a trace. He's tender, he's warm, he's dependable, he's got that savory conviction I don't need a man, I need a plan... and a legally binding chicken. We honeymooned in the microwave it was quick but it felt so right... then I woke up to the dog lookin' guilty and my husband outta sight. I called the police, they said, "ma'am... that's... poultry." I said "NO... that's PAUL-try." That was his name. Paul. I married a rotisserie chicken, and I'd do it all again, 'cause life is hard and men are trash but he comes with extra skin. And if this love is wrong, y'all then I don't need fixing... I'm happy, fed, and full of peace in my toxic lil' chicken commitment. Till death do us part... or till expiration date. Same thing, honestly.