12.) Scared of Yes

DON’T.. SAY.. YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES! I used to fear the word no, used to choke before I spoke, heart stuck in my throat like my lungs forgot their role. Scared of the laughter, scared of the looks, scared I’d become a punchline in somebody else’s book. Then something in me changed, found my spine in the wreck, built myself from the rust, put some steel in my chest. I stopped flinching at no, stopped begging to be blessed, but nobody warned me I should be scared of yes. You learned how to stand, you learned how to breathe, then trust wore a smile and came carrying teeth. DON’T LET THEM IN! I ain’t scared of no, I’ve heard that sound before. No only leaves me lonely standing outside the door. I’m scared of yes, scared they’ll smile and let me in, just to find out what I’m worth when I can’t be used again. I don’t fear rejection. I fear trust dressed up in lies. I ain’t scared of being unwanted. I’m scared I was only wanted for what I could provide. I’M SCARED OF YES! Yeah, I got accepted, got the calls, got the names, got the “brother,” got the “baby,” got the “friend until the end.” But no just leaves. No just walks away. No don’t learn your weak spots then pretend it wants to stay. They wanted the shelter, the labor, the ride, the man who could fix things while he rotted inside. They loved what I carried, not what carried me. They loved the open hands, not the scars underneath. You don’t fear the closed door. You fear the open one. You don’t fear the bullet. You fear who holds the gun. DON’T SAY YES! I ain’t scared of no, I’ve heard that sound before. No only leaves me lonely standing outside the door. I’m scared of yes, scared they’ll smile and let me in, just to find out what I’m worth when I can’t be used again. I don’t fear rejection. I fear trust dressed up in lies. I ain’t scared of being unwanted. I’m scared I was only wanted for what I could provide. Now my body broke down and the room got thin. Funny how the phone dies when you’ve got nothing to give. Semi-bound to a chair, but the chains ain’t just steel. It’s the look in their eyes when you’ve got nothing to deal. Was I loved, or was I useful? Was I wanted, or assigned? Was I a person to them, or just what I could provide? Hope is a liar with a pretty face. Every time I followed it, it led me back to the same place. I’M NOT THEM! I know. I’M NOT THEM! I know. But my chest don’t believe me, and my hands still shake. My heart keeps confusing a touch with a cage. I know you ain’t the knife. I know you ain’t the flame. But I still smell smoke when you say my name. DON’T RUN FROM ME! I’m not running from you. I’m trying not to become what they turned me into. I bury myself in pixels, in engines, in stars, in songs I scream through speakers from a room full of scars. I write myself a universe where the pain obeys the page, where monsters wear their faces and the war has names. Out there it’s all noise, all hunger, all lies, everybody selling pieces of their soul for some eyes. I can’t take the cruelty, the ignorance, the greed, so I build another world where something still means something to me. I still want connection. God, I hate that it’s true. I’m repulsed by human nature, but I’m dying for it too. I ain’t scared of no, I’ve heard that sound before. No only leaves me lonely standing outside the door. I’m scared of yes, scared they’ll smile and let me in, just to find out what I’m worth when I can’t be used again. I don’t fear rejection. I fear trust dressed up in lies. I ain’t scared of being unwanted. I’m scared I was only wanted for what I could provide. I’M SCARED OF YES! I used to fear rejection. Now that wound feels small. No only leaves me standing. Yes can take it all. I used to dream of being accepted. Now I dream of somewhere else. A place where I’m not just useful. A place I’m not by myself.