Human Shopping

[Intro – 0:00–0:24] [Tempo: 94 BPM — playful cinematic Americana boom bap with funky bass, quirky percussion, and deadpan extraterrestrial humor] [Key: E Minor] [Time Signature: 4/4] [Chords: | Em | C | G | D |] [Ambient Sound Design: Pacific Northwest rain, automatic doors, shopping carts rattling, fluorescent store hum, barcode scanners, refrigerator compressors, distant announcements, receipt printers, faint UFO engine.] [Instrumentation: Fingerpicked baritone ukulele, muted banjo, upright bass, dusty boom-bap drums, warm 808, funky electric guitar, Rhodes piano, hand percussion, analog synths, subtle theremin.] [Lead Vocal: Grey — calm, nasal, digitally textured, completely serious. The humor comes entirely from his observations.] [Spoken] Field Notes... Planet... Earth. Research subject... Human shopping. Initial observation... Human enters... Retail establishment. Human requires... Three items. Human leaves... With seventeen. Investigation required. [Hook – 0:24–0:52] [Chords: | Em | D | C | D |] Human came for one thing. One thing. One thing. Human saw another thing. Another thing. Another thing. Cart became... Full. Human became... Confused. Analysis... Shopping successful. Budget... Not successful. [Verse 1 – 0:52–1:42] [Chords: | Em | C | G | D |] Observed... Human enters store. Human possesses... List. List contains... Milk. Eggs. Bread. Human walks... Past bakery. Human detects... Smell. Human stops. Human purchases... Pastry. Analysis... List has been... Compromised. Human encounters... Seasonal display. Human does not need... Seasonal object. Human examines... Seasonal object. Human purchases... Seasonal object. Human states... "It was on sale." Analysis... Discount appears... To have created... Need. Further observation... Human already owns... Several. [Hook – 1:42–2:10] [Chords: | Em | D | C | D |] Human came for one thing. One thing. One thing. Human saw another thing. Another thing. Another thing. Cart became... Full. Human became... Confused. Analysis... Shopping successful. Budget... Not successful. [Verse 2 – 2:10–3:00] [Chords: | Em | D | C | Em |] Observed... Human approaches... Checkout. Human places... Objects... On conveyor. Scanner beeps. Human watches... Total increase. Human says... "How did it get that high?" Investigation... Already conducted. Cause... Objects. Human removes... One object. Total decreases... Four dollars. Human replaces... Object. Total increases... Thirty dollars. Analysis... Human appears... Bad at mathematics... When shopping. Additional observation... Human sees... "Buy one... Get one free." Human purchases... Two. Analysis... Human believes... Free object... Is free. [Bridge – 3:00–3:30] [Chords: | C | D | Em | Em |] [Instrumentation: Beat drops away. Upright bass, ukulele, Rhodes, scanner beeps, distant store ambience.] Observed... Human shopping... Online. No physical store. No walking. No cart. Human sees... "Recommended for you." Human purchases... Item. Then another. Then another. Analysis... Shopping has escaped... The building. Containment... Impossible. [Verse 3 – 3:30–4:20] [Chords: | Em | C | G | D |] Observed... Human possesses... Large quantity... Of clothing. Human opens closet. Human states... "I have nothing to wear." Investigation... Closet is full. Human searches... Online. Human finds... New clothing. Human purchases... New clothing. Analysis... Problem was not... Lack of clothing. Problem was... Human perception... Of clothing. Additional observation... Human purchases... Storage container... For excess clothing. Analysis... Human has purchased... A container... To contain... The consequences... Of previous purchases. Fascinating. [Final Hook – 4:20–4:58] [Chords: | Em | D | C | D |] [Instrumentation: Full groove. Banjo doubles the hook, funky guitar answers the vocal, deep boom-bap drums, 808, Rhodes, synths, theremin, playful layered harmonies.] Human came for one thing. One thing. One thing. Human saw another thing. Another thing. Another thing. Human bought... A thing... For the thing... They bought... Last week. Analysis... Shopping appears... Self-sustaining. [Outro – 4:58–5:28] [Chords: | Em | C | G | Em |] [Ambient Sound Design: Store ambience gradually disappears. Shopping cart rattles into the distance. Rain returns. Receipt printer gives one final beep. Soft UFO hum rises.] [Spoken] Final assessment... Humans shop... For necessities. They also shop... For convenience. Entertainment. Comfort. Identity. And apparently... Things that are... "Too good to pass up." Humans have created... An environment... Where purchasing... Is extremely easy. Not purchasing... Requires... Self-control. Recommendation... Never send... A human... To the store... While hungry. And never... Give them... A large shopping cart. They will fill it. End Report.