One-Pump Chump

[Intro] The legend [Verse 1] I always knew I was working with a different deck A minor issue I was trying to keep in check Back in eleventh grade I thought I had it made Her name was Becky but she dealt in razor blades We hit the basement it was all fumbling and heat Then the pants came off and I faced immediate defeat An instant classic, a moment of pure dread She laughed a sound I still hear in my head [Pre-Chorus] She took my little secret she made it a headline A whispered joke passed all the way down the line A cautionary tale for the varsity team It killed the boy and birthed this waking dream [Chorus] I got that hair-trigger swagger that shame-proof strut A fifteen-second legend with a half-inch cut They call me fastest gun in the whole damn school Bow down to the king of the ridicule Yeah a one-pump chump on a porcelain throne The race is over 'fore the starting tone It's the shortest story everybody's known So leave your pity and then leave me all alone [Verse 2] So now I'm older and I'm relatively attractive But my social skills are permanently radioactive I talk to chatbots cause the stakes are always low My only female friends are pixels in a glowing row Got a browser history that would make a sailor blush My body's got one setting and it's always stuck on rush See a shadow on the wall and I'm about to blow It's a high-wire act everywhere that I go [Pre-Chorus] I see them walking I feel the panic climb Every casual hello is a race against the time This ticking time bomb in a pair of skinny jeans Living out the punchline of my faulty genes [Chorus] I got that hair-trigger swagger that shame-proof strut A fifteen-second legend with a half-inch cut They call me fastest gun in this whole damn town Just trying not to have a public meltdown Yeah a one-pump chump on a porcelain throne The race is over 'fore the starting tone It's the shortest story everybody's known So leave your pity and then leave me all alone [Bridge] Then last week at the Kroger getting eggs and bread A ghost from my past a voice inside my head Mrs Davison my mom's old friend from yoga class She ran right up to me the moment couldn't last She said my darling how you've grown and pulled me in so tight And my whole world just detonated in a flash of pants-wet light A little residue a stain upon her coat The single most unholy moment I could ever note [Instrumental] [Chorus] I got that hair-trigger swagger that shame-proof strut A fifteen-second legend with a half-inch cut They call me fastest gun man I am the rule The undisputed king of the ridicule Yeah a one-pump chump on a porcelain throne The race is over 'fore the starting tone It's the shortest story everybody's known So leave your pity and then leave me all alone [Outro] So what do you do When you're the punchline to a joke that isn't new And your own body is a weapon pointed back at you? Yeah what do you do? Please give me advice, any advice Drastic measures