Rob A Bank [Puff-N-Ninjas Chaotic Challenge]

[Intro, spoken, dry] Everything in this song happened. I want that on the record. I’d do it again. Better, though. [Beat drops] [Verse 1, deadpan] Thirty-one dollars and a dream in my account Opened up the banking app; it laughed and showed the amount Eighty for the standard, hundred for the whole thing Twenty bucks is robbery— So I started planning Tuesday morning, seven deep, ticket forty-one Read about refinancing—honestly, it sounded fun Minute nine, I hit preorder, watched the payment spin Thirty-one dollars available I needed sixty-nine again Clearance ski mask, two sizes small, crushing both my ears Guard was watching Reels, so the coast looked clear Number forty-one was called; I stepped up to the glass Slid a note that said: “A robbery. Sorry that I had to ask.” Held a busted controller up and tried to sound real bad [shouted] “NOBODY MOVE!” [Teller, flat] “Sir, that’s a D-pad.” [Gang] THE D-PAD! I said, “I need sixty-nine.” She said, “You’ve got thirty-one.” Then the guard looked up from Reels And I was basically done [Pre-Chorus] There was probably a cheaper way There were jobs I could have tried But the preorder was counting down And patience is just fear in disguise [Chorus, gang vocals] ROB A BANK — FOR A GAME — WHERE YOU ROB A BANK One got me locked up, one came with a rank ROB A BANK — REAL LIFE — I WAS DONE IN A MINUTE In the game I’m a professional In person, I’m an idiot ROB A BANK — BUY THE GAME — DO THE TIME Four-year sentence for a sixty-dollar crime ROB A BANK — ONCE FOR REAL, THEN AGAIN FOR FUN Turns out I’m only good At the imaginary one [Verse 2, tired] Didn’t get the money, bought a game I couldn’t play Got a bunk, a public defender, arraignment Wednesday Turns out real cops don’t lose you when you duck behind a wall No wanted stars that fade away No reload at all Cellmate’s name was Marcus, doing nine for something real Asked me what I came in for; I dressed it up for the reveal: [proud] “Financial intervention For a vehicular ambition And a premeditated preorder.” Marcus stared, then turned back to the wall Like my crime had somehow lowered The reputation of us all [Marcus] “You could’ve worked one month. Any job. Any pay.” [shouted] “NOVEMBER NINETEENTH— WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO, WAIT?” [Marcus] “Yes.” [Gang] HE SAID YES! [quiet] And he was right. And I knew it. Then I asked about the rec room. [Marcus] “TV. No console.” That’s the sentence. The rest is just time. [Chorus] ROB A BANK — FOR A GAME — WHERE YOU ROB A BANK One got me locked up, one came with a rank ROB A BANK — REAL LIFE — I WAS DONE IN A MINUTE In the game I’m a professional In person, I’m an idiot [Bridge, spoken, no beat] They give you one phone call. I used mine to check the preorder. It went through. The phone went into evidence. The confirmation went to the phone. I spent four years owning a game I could not open. At sentencing, the prosecutor read my browser history out loud. That was the worst part. [Verse 3, beat returns] Gate opened July and the heat hit like a fine They gave back my belt, dead phone, and papers I had signed Two hundred dollars gate money, first cash I’d held in years First real money since the money That I never got in here Four years gone, the PC version finally came around Figured somebody somewhere had it floating underground Asked a kid, “Is eMule still a free shop people use? LimeWire? eDonkey? Anything with peer-to-peer reviews?” Found a copy labelled “clean” from some extremely honest guy Got six kinds of malware before nine percent went by Three stolen identities, one loan opened in my name And the download was a Polish dub Of a completely different game Kid checked my computer, said, “It wouldn’t run it anyway” Pulled up the minimum specs and turned the screen my way Need fourteen hundred dollars For an Nvidia upgrade Need an RTX Need a job Need a plan Need a while— [slowing] And there’s a bank On the corner Of Tenth [Final Chorus, biggest] ROB A BANK — FOR A GAME — WHERE YOU ROB A BANK One got me locked up, one came with a rank ROB A BANK — REAL LIFE — I WAS DONE IN A MINUTE In the game I’m a professional In person, I’m an idiot ROB A BANK — BUY THE GAME — DO THE TIME Four-year sentence for a sixty-dollar crime ROB A BANK — I DID IT TWICE — ONCE FOR REAL, ONCE FOR FUN And apparently I suck At the consequential one [Music stops] [Outro, spoken, dry] Then I remembered the physical preorder. Still sealed. Four years on my mother’s shelf. I opened the box. No disc. Just a download code. For Grand Theft Auto Six. [long pause] I looked at the code. Then I looked across the street. [very quiet] I’m allowed to look.