Gary's Chips

[spoken word] "WHAT DO YOU MEAN" [crowd chant] "THESE CHIPS ARE HOMEMADE!?" [Verse 1] Walked into Gary’s party at a quarter after eight Saw a bowl of “homemade chips” stacked upon a paper plate Everybody eating casually, nobody alarmed Meanwhile Gary in the corner lookin’ way too calm [Internal Dialogue – Steve] Okay these chips are weird but honestly kinda fire Maybe it’s like organic? Maybe cooked in duck fat fryer? [Internal Dialogue – Melissa] Why’s the texture kinda leathery? Why’s it bend instead of crack? Why does every chip curl upward like a tiny yellow back? Gary walked around the room like a proud suburban chef Said “Try the spicy batch, I scraped those beauties off myself” The whole room got real quiet Nobody moved a bit Then Chad looked up in horror with a dangling half-chewed chip [Chorus] “WHAT DO YOU MEAN THESE CHIPS ARE HOME MADE?!” Music still blasting while the entire room decayed Jessica spit crumbs directly into Brad’s unopened beer Old man Larry whispered “Dear God… there’s toenails in my beard…” “WHAT DO YOU MEAN THESE CHIPS ARE HOME MADE?!” Gary said “Handcrafted, man, these took me years to make!” Then he pulled a rusty clipper from his cargo pocket slow And clipped one fresh right in the bowl [Verse 2] Panic spread immediately from the kitchen to the stairs Someone dropped the onion dip Someone threw up in a chair [Internal Dialogue – Trevor] No no no no no no no I had like fifteen of these things Why was one of them unusually thick? WHY WAS ONE OF THEM GREEN? [Internal Dialogue – Amanda] I told myself the smell was just a funky aged cheddar I cannot believe my final moments deserve this kind of terror Gary still explaining proudly while people screamed and cried “See the thicker ones are pinky toes, the salty ones are dried!” [Internal Dialogue – Gary] They mocked me in high school culinary arts Who’s laughing now? These idiots ate the whole barbecue batch. [Pre-Chorus] “Gary… man… please tell me you’re joking…” Gary smiled real wide and said: “Would a joke have ranch seasoning?” [Chorus] “WHAT DO YOU MEAN THESE CHIPS ARE HOME MADE?!” Debbie climbed out through the bathroom window in a rage Kyle tried to sue him instantly from underneath the sink Meanwhile Gary offered everybody “garlic parmesan pink” “WHAT DO YOU MEAN THESE CHIPS ARE HOME MADE?!” Gary said “Locally sourced and naturally aged!” Then he opened up a Tupperware marked “Super Bowl Reserve” And everybody lost the nerve [Bridge – escalating insanity] [Internal Dialogue – Priest From Down The Street] I came here for fellowship and spinach artichoke dip… This is Satan’s Pringles can. [Internal Dialogue – Little Cousin Derek] Honestly? Still better than school cafeteria chips. [Internal Dialogue – Gary’s Dog] Even I think this is too far. SNIP SNIP SNIP Gary clipping fresh ones near the stereo CRUNCH CRUNCH CRUNCH Some drunk guy still absentmindedly eating them during the chaos [Internal Dialogue – Drunk Guy] I mean… if I already ate twenty… What’s two more gonna do? [Final Chorus] “WHAT DO YOU MEAN THESE CHIPS ARE HOME MADE?!” Neighbors called the cops and said “there’s foot crimes being made!” Gary stood upon the coffee table shirtless full of pride Toenail dust like Cheeto powder on his side “WHAT DO YOU MEAN THESE CHIPS ARE HOME MADE?!” Gary yelled “THE SECRET’S IN THE CURATION AND THE AGE!” Then he raised a bowl triumphantly up into the air While everybody vomited everywhere